i've always been one that prided myself in not being scared of too many things....
i could watch scary movies and go home alone and wouldn't think twice about it...not so much anymore...since hubby is gone i will not watch scary movies....we watched one while he was home for r&r and that was a mistake...i had trouble sleeping for almost a month after he went back to afghanistan....
i wasn't scared of walking in dark parking lots alone...i am now...it really kind of freaks me out...
i wasn't scared of much of anything.....
i don't believe that i felt as though i was invincible...i was just able to block it out...not think about it....
i think since becoming a mother i have stared to experience a bit of fear....nothing debilitating but as stated above...i can't even watch scary movies alone anymore...i need my big strong hubby here to protect me from the ghouls and goons *wink wink*
so my fears...the things in life that really kind of alarm me are:
1. first and foremost my biggest fear right now is that my husband will not come home.....for an entire year i will live in a constant state of fear that my husband will not come back....i think this is the scariest thing that i have ever had to live through...and this is the second time....
2. something happening to my children that i have no control over....it doesn't have to be something as horrible as death...but i fear that something bad will happen to my children that i can not protect them from....that really scares me....i really struggled with this when i sent avery to kindergarten and she was not with me 24/7...i no longer had that control and it was one of the hardest thing i had to do...give up that control
3. making the wrong decision when it comes to important issues concerning my family or our well being and having to live with the consequences....it's not just me anymore...i have a husband and children who depend on me....
4. dying young....i want to watch my children grown and become adults...i want to be a physical part of that...i know that if something were to happen to me they would be well taken care of but it breaks my heart thinking that if something happens to me i won't be there for their soccer games....their spelling bees...their school plays....their first dance....their prom...their graduation...going off to college...getting engaged...getting married...having their own children... i.don't.want.to.miss.one.moment.of.it
5. not being able to get pregnant again....not sure where this comes from as we have never had an issue getting pregnant but we both really want another child and it sometimes scares me to think that we will not be able to have another child....
6. failing....i have a fear...could possibly even be a little unnatural....of failing...doesn't matter what it is...sewing...cooking...tests...working out...not meeting peoples expectations of me...i have always had an issue with failing at anything that i did...i'm the one who got a b on their final exam which lowered their class grade to an a- and i beat myself up for it for months....me+failing= no bueno!!!!!
7. public speaking.....i haven't had to do it since i was working outside the home but oh how i despised it....despised it to the point that for weeks before my speaking engagement i would be physically sick....oh how i'm glad i work from home now...if you could have seen me in both my bachelors and my masters programs trying to do my speeches....ugh...i don't even want to think about it....
8. not being excepted....i have always been somewhat of a social dork...social settings and me do not go together at all....i do ok when i'm one on one with someone but put me in a group and i try to blend in with the wall...or the floor...or the big plant in the corner....i am not out going....i have a hard time being a conversationalist with people i do not know....and with this i have found that because of my shy nature there have been many times i am not excepted because people mistake my bashfulness for being snobby or stuck up...and that is so far from the truth....
so...those are my fears...i kind of rambled and if you are still reading thanks for sticking in there...i also wanted to share some pictures...oh how i love pictures....i need to get better about taking more...i WILL get better about taking more pictures..
so far...this picture below...it is my all time favorite picture of her...it just captures her to a 't'...nothing fancy or foofy about it...but this look on her face is just priceless (and believe me..she is full of these priceless looks)..but that is just what she is...priceless!!!!
happy hump day dear friends!!!
x's & o's
r
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