i'm sorry

i'm going to be straight forward....

i lose my patience with my girls sometimes...lately it's becoming more frequently and for silly things. often i am cynical, or short, or downright impatient and mean.

i lose it and i raise my voice. closing my eyes and counting to ten sometimes just doesn't work.

i am not the type of mommy that will tell you i have never raised my voice at my children.

as soon as i do a little piece of me dies inside...i look into their eyes and i cringe when i see fear. i never want my children to fear me.

as soon as i raise my voice i wish i hadn't...but you can't undo the already done.

i wish i were the woman with the kind words and gentle touch at all times. the woman with the mild temperament and the gentle but firm tone at all times.

but i'm not.

i know it's about tone. i have taken several child psychology classes and have read dr. dobson's books on parenting...i know it's about the tone, not the volume of the voice.

but sometimes i still lose it. sometimes i can't stop it.

it's hard. it's hard when the other parent is thousands of miles away and everything goes wrong at the same time. like when the sink in the kitchen is over flowing, the toilet is stopped up because one of the darling dears put a bouncey ball from old navy in it, the phone is ringing, there is marker on big baby (adilyn's favorite doll) and i just dropped the canister with 5 pounds of fine grain sugar in it all over my kitchen floor that i had just mopped and swept.

oh did i scream. i stood in the middle of the living room feeling lost and hopeless and helpless and aggravated and just defeated and just let out a scream.

and it felt good. it felt so good.

and then i glance over and see my girls staring at me with wide eyes and silent mouths.

and then i felt bad. felt bad that i lost it. right there in the middle of my living room.

oh i scooped them up and told them i was having a bad day...told them i was sorry and that i loved them more than anything....

the lesson...my children learning that parents aren't perfect. that we make mistakes and we have bad days and we occasionally lose it...and it's ok...because it would be a bigger travesty for my children to grow up thinking that mommy is perfect..because i am not. i make mistakes. we all make mistakes and teaching my children that it is ok to make mistakes and to say "i'm sorry" is an important life lesson.

i know that i will yell again. and i know that when i do i will feel horrible and i will wish i hadn't done it.

but i will never. EVER. be too big of a person or too proud to get down and look my girls in their eyes and tell them that i am so sorry. and hug them and love on them.

happy monday friends

x's & o's
~r~

gotta minute.....

someone asked me today if i had a minute....here is what ran through my head.....now take a deep deep D E E P breath....

try new shampoo. make avery's lunch. clip coupons from newspaper insert while fixing breakfast for the girls and myself. , get girls ready for the day to include priming and priming for 2 little divas (normally this includes changing their mind on their outfit that they picked out the night before. drop avery off at school (musn't' forget to roll the back windows down so adilyn can yell "love you sissy...be good at school". drive 20 minutes to the gym to get my a** handed to me in my spin class or p90 class (whichever day it happens to be) and then after my a** has been handed to me for an hour i get tortured for another hour with some weights and ab work. drive home and if no one is looking stop at mcdonalds for their $1 coke (hey i just worked out...it's allowed right??!?!?! fix lunch for adilyn and try to find something to stuff down my throat. rush off to the shower. do hair. throw on some make-up time permitting. take adilyn to school. rush home to answer the copious amounts of emails received in the last 24 hours. grab a handful of peanuts (those are allowed.....right!?!?!?!?) try to get as much sewing done as humanly possible...or maybe not so human....i do have a robot mode...don't you know??!?! drink 8 glasses of water. do some glute squeezes while sewing. meet avery at the half way point from school. go home and get the first stages of dinner together. have avery read me a story. go over homework, notes, or whatever other flyer's are in the every growing stack sent home each and every night. get packages ready for the post office. grab avery by the arm and throw her in the car. pick adilyn up from school. go to the post office. drive past the drive-thru. replace the toilet paper roll (why do i feel like i do this every other day?) remember nothing is as bad as it seems. explain to adilyn what "you are what you eat" means. get dinner ready. charge cell phone. feed the children. clean the kitchen. figure out what is for dinner tomorrow night so you can start the thawing process. stick $1 in avery's book bag for snow cone day. bathe the children. pick out our outfits for the next day to include any and all accessories. work as hard as i can. braid the girls hair. pick up the stray socks found in the hallway. RSVP for a party. stop and give the kids a big hug and kiss. check the weather. remember to drive slower and avoid quick starts to preserve the life of my car for the next few months. think about exercising more. shred mail. pay bills online. transfer money into savings. check the mailbox. iron the clothes. write a to-do list with the #1 thing being put the laundry away. clean the bathroom. read a few bedtime stories. put the kids to bed. remind yourself to eat out less. trade the coke in your hand for a water. do christina's ab workout during commercials of big brother. check emails again. sweep kitchen floor. laugh at a joke. step on the scale. pick yourself up off the floor after looking down while standing on the scale. get on the scale one more time to see if there was some type of malfunction. tell yourself to weigh in the morning as soon as you wake up for a more accurate weight. put library books in the library bag and set by the front door. look for healthy recipes. try to make a blog post. wait for hubby's phone call. read the glamour magazine from two months ago that is still in the plastic. answer hubby's call. tell him about your day. get off the phone and put it on the charger. check and respond to emails one last time. make sure water bottles are filled for the next torture session at the gym. jot down your grocery list on the back of the receipt sitting by the microwave. turn the lights off. turn the lights back on. start a to do list because calling the dentist keeps getting forgotten. turn the lights off. creep upstairs so to not wake the kiddos. crawl into bed. set the alarm for 5:30am to get the stuff done you weren't able to do today done before the kids wake up. read the latest james patterson novel until your eyes close while you are still holding the book. wake up and turn the light off. pass out......

sure i have a minute....what do you need?

the average day in the life of me.....happy thursday sweet sweet friends

x's & o's

~r~

10 Day Challenge - Day 8

day 8 - eight fears

i've always been one that prided myself in not being scared of too many things....

i could watch scary movies and go home alone and wouldn't think twice about it...not so much anymore...since hubby is gone i will not watch scary movies....we watched one while he was home for r&r and that was a mistake...i had trouble sleeping for almost a month after he went back to afghanistan....

i wasn't scared of walking in dark parking lots alone...i am now...it really kind of freaks me out...

i wasn't scared of much of anything.....

i don't believe that i felt as though i was invincible...i was just able to block it out...not think about it....

i think since becoming a mother i have stared to experience a bit of fear....nothing debilitating but as stated above...i can't even watch scary movies alone anymore...i need my big strong hubby here to protect me from the ghouls and goons *wink wink*

so my fears...the things in life that really kind of alarm me are:

1. first and foremost my biggest fear right now is that my husband will not come home.....for an entire year i will live in a constant state of fear that my husband will not come back....i think this is the scariest thing that i have ever had to live through...and this is the second time....

2. something happening to my children that i have no control over....it doesn't have to be something as horrible as death...but i fear that something bad will happen to my children that i can not protect them from....that really scares me....i really struggled with this when i sent avery to kindergarten and she was not with me 24/7...i no longer had that control and it was one of the hardest thing i had to do...give up that control

3. making the wrong decision when it comes to important issues concerning my family or our well being and having to live with the consequences....it's not just me anymore...i have a husband and children who depend on me....

4. dying young....i want to watch my children grown and become adults...i want to be a physical part of that...i know that if something were to happen to me they would be well taken care of but it breaks my heart thinking that if something happens to me i won't be there for their soccer games....their spelling bees...their school plays....their first dance....their prom...their graduation...going off to college...getting engaged...getting married...having their own children... i.don't.want.to.miss.one.moment.of.it

5. not being able to get pregnant again....not sure where this comes from as we have never had an issue getting pregnant but we both really want another child and it sometimes scares me to think that we will not be able to have another child....

6. failing....i have a fear...could possibly even be a little unnatural....of failing...doesn't matter what it is...sewing...cooking...tests...working out...not meeting peoples expectations of me...i have always had an issue with failing at anything that i did...i'm the one who got a b on their final exam which lowered their class grade to an a- and i beat myself up for it for months....me+failing= no bueno!!!!!

7. public speaking.....i haven't had to do it since i was working outside the home but oh how i despised it....despised it to the point that for weeks before my speaking engagement i would be physically sick....oh how i'm glad i work from home now...if you could have seen me in both my bachelors and my masters programs trying to do my speeches....ugh...i don't even want to think about it....

8. not being excepted....i have always been somewhat of a social dork...social settings and me do not go together at all....i do ok when i'm one on one with someone but put me in a group and i try to blend in with the wall...or the floor...or the big plant in the corner....i am not out going....i have a hard time being a conversationalist with people i do not know....and with this i have found that because of my shy nature there have been many times i am not excepted because people mistake my bashfulness for being snobby or stuck up...and that is so far from the truth....

so...those are my fears...i kind of rambled and if you are still reading thanks for sticking in there...i also wanted to share some pictures...oh how i love pictures....i need to get better about taking more...i WILL get better about taking more pictures..

so far...this picture below...it is my all time favorite picture of her...it just captures her to a 't'...nothing fancy or foofy about it...but this look on her face is just priceless (and believe me..she is full of these priceless looks)..but that is just what she is...priceless!!!!

happy hump day dear friends!!!

x's & o's

r