i lose my patience with my girls sometimes...lately it's becoming more frequently and for silly things. often i am cynical, or short, or downright impatient and mean.
i lose it and i raise my voice. closing my eyes and counting to ten sometimes just doesn't work.
i am not the type of mommy that will tell you i have never raised my voice at my children.
as soon as i do a little piece of me dies inside...i look into their eyes and i cringe when i see fear. i never want my children to fear me.
as soon as i raise my voice i wish i hadn't...but you can't undo the already done.
i wish i were the woman with the kind words and gentle touch at all times. the woman with the mild temperament and the gentle but firm tone at all times.
but i'm not.
i know it's about tone. i have taken several child psychology classes and have read dr. dobson's books on parenting...i know it's about the tone, not the volume of the voice.
but sometimes i still lose it. sometimes i can't stop it.
it's hard. it's hard when the other parent is thousands of miles away and everything goes wrong at the same time. like when the sink in the kitchen is over flowing, the toilet is stopped up because one of the darling dears put a bouncey ball from old navy in it, the phone is ringing, there is marker on big baby (adilyn's favorite doll) and i just dropped the canister with 5 pounds of fine grain sugar in it all over my kitchen floor that i had just mopped and swept.
oh did i scream. i stood in the middle of the living room feeling lost and hopeless and helpless and aggravated and just defeated and just let out a scream.
and it felt good. it felt so good.
and then i glance over and see my girls staring at me with wide eyes and silent mouths.
and then i felt bad. felt bad that i lost it. right there in the middle of my living room.
oh i scooped them up and told them i was having a bad day...told them i was sorry and that i loved them more than anything....
the lesson...my children learning that parents aren't perfect. that we make mistakes and we have bad days and we occasionally lose it...and it's ok...because it would be a bigger travesty for my children to grow up thinking that mommy is perfect..because i am not. i make mistakes. we all make mistakes and teaching my children that it is ok to make mistakes and to say "i'm sorry" is an important life lesson.
i know that i will yell again. and i know that when i do i will feel horrible and i will wish i hadn't done it.
but i will never. EVER. be too big of a person or too proud to get down and look my girls in their eyes and tell them that i am so sorry. and hug them and love on them.
happy monday friends
x's & o's
~r~
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