the knock

i never thought that i would be scared of a knock on the door...not just scared but petrified....

but i am...and last night i found out just how terror-stricken i would be from something as simple as a knock on the door...

i went to bed as usual last night...i was able to talk to colby on the phone for a bit....we chatted about our day, the girls, what we want to do when he gets home....just our usual conversation...he said good night...i told him good morning and then off i went to bed.....

i was awoke by a knock...let me rephrase that...i woke up to what sounded like someone beating my door down...

not a simple knock...not a knock of authority...but a knock that demanded that i rip myself from blissful slumber....

i somewhat staggered, somewhat threw myself out of my bed trying to get my barrings about me...trying to shake the sleep from my head and to rationalize what is playing out before me...

everything that happens next felt as though i was watching a movie being played in slow motion....i know in my head that it was only a few brief moments, but it felt like a lifetime

as i raced down the hall i made a mental note that both of the doors to my children's room were closed just as they were when i went to bed....

i hear the beating on the door again as i approach the top of the stairs....

at the top of the stairs there is a window....somehow, someway i had enough sense about me to peer out of the window to make sure that we would not be in eminent danger by me going down the stairs to try and figure out who is beating my door in....

all time stops at the sight before me as i am looking through the slats in the blinds....

there are a multitude of law enforcement vehicles, marked and unmarked....

my heart feels as though it stops for a moment...

my hands start to shake.....

my mind is going a million miles a minute playing through all of the scenarios as to why this is happening....and i keep going back to the only thing that i can logically think of....something has happened to my husband...why else would this scene be playing out before my eyes....

i want to wake up from this dream...i don't want this to be happening...

i don't cry...i think at this point i am too numb to cry...

now i am not as anxious to get down the stairs....

maybe if i don't answer the door they will go away and i won't be delivered news that will forever change my life, my girls life....our lives as we know them....

i finally scrounge up enough courage to make my way down the 14 stairs and put my hand on the lock above the door knob....

the door unlocks....

as soon as i open the door i am immediately bombarded with flashlights....

surely this is not how they give a death notification....scaring the bejeebeez's out of someone by the "knocking" on the door and then assaulting them with flashlights to the eyes...this can't be right....

i was asked to step outside...so here i am in my pajamas...hair looking a hot mess...standing outside with no shoes on (thank the Lord it wasn't cold out there and that i do sleep with clothing on) in front of about 6 military police officers....

i can not see their faces because i have been blinded by what seems to have been 100,000 watts of light coming from their flashlights....

i put my hand up to shield my eyes and seeing that the pajama clad chick poses no threat they put away their flashlights and ask me if everything is ok....

really...ummmm...no...you scared the living s*** out of me...no, i'm not ok...no everything is not alright....

after a brief conversation with these officers i learn that there was a 911 call in for a domestic dispute but there was no specific housing unit given, only a building number so they were questioning everyone in the building...

i felt like hugging each and everyone of those men who were looking at me...it wasn't about my husband...he was ok...he was safe...he was alive....

but for a moment in time i felt terror...fear...horror and so many more emotions that even now it is hard to wrap my head around them....

what if that knock had not been for a domestic dispute...what if something had happened to colby.....

so tonight...give your spouse an extra hug...hold them tight....act as though you do not want to let go...my heart goes out to anyone who has ever had "that" knock at their door...

x's & o's
~r~