laugh....

i needed a good laugh today....

the last few days have been really hard for me...

i am missing my husband something fierce and well, to be honest, it's got me in a rut....which is a place that i do not often visit...

and then we went to soccer practice and of course i took pictures...

and i saw this...

and i laughed until i literally had tears streaming down my face...i am actually still laughing...

this child of mine can turn my darkest days around...

the things she says...like tonight for instance "why do i have to take the ball away from the other kids, that's not nice"

the things she does....

like the time she "forgot" to put her panties on while dressing herself one morning...off we went to drop avery off at school and then we were off to the gym...not until i was finished with my two hour work out and i she was laying on the floor for me to put her tennis shoes on did i actually SEE that she was showing her girly goodies to the entire gym day care....i still laugh (to myself of course when i think about that)

her facial expressions...revert back to picture one again...it says it all!!!!

i thank God for her everyday....that He would put someone so very special in my life...

she is so very special to me....

she is my heart, my love

and can turn my frown upside down any day!!!

happy hump day friends.................GO VIPERS!!!

x's & o's
~r~

happy birthday mom

the relationship between my mom and i is very special, and that is the truth.

my mom means the world to me....

from birth she has been my protector, my nourisher and has bestowed upon me an abundance of love and care....

she has sacrificed many things in life to give the best to me, my sister and my brother...

thank you mom for all of the unconditional love that you have given me

thank you mom for all the pain and sacrifice it took to raise me to be the person i am today...

thank you for forgiving me when i was wrong....

thank you for your unconditional love....

thank you for holding me and standing by me when it felt as though the whole world condemned me for the choices i made and the roads i took...whether they be the right ones or wrong ones...i could and still can count on you to be there...holding me...standing by my side....

thank you for being by my side when i needed you and when i thought that i didn't need you...

thank you for creating memories with me that i will remember forever and always....

your love for me is something that will never be able to be explained with words...

your love is endless and unselfish and enduring......

even when your heart was broken only the way a mothers heart can break for her child your love has never failed or faltered.....

without you i would not have achieved what i have achieved.....

without you i would not be the mother that i have become....

you my mother have taught me to fly...to achieve things and become things you dreamed of for yourself but were not sure how or if you could obtain them....for that i am forever grateful...

you my mother, are the most beautiful woman i have ever seen....

all i am i owe to you.....

you my dear mother, you are the truest friend i will ever have....

i thank my lucky stars for everything you have ever given me, but mostly for the unconditional love that that you give, never skipping a beat.....

i hope that your 60th birthday was bigger and better than you could have ever imagined or dreamed that it would be....

i hope that the memories that we created for you will stay with you forever just as the memories that you created for me through my life i still hold very close to my heart....

i love you forever and always mom.....happy happy birthday!!!

x's & o's
~r~

i'm sorry

i'm going to be straight forward....

i lose my patience with my girls sometimes...lately it's becoming more frequently and for silly things. often i am cynical, or short, or downright impatient and mean.

i lose it and i raise my voice. closing my eyes and counting to ten sometimes just doesn't work.

i am not the type of mommy that will tell you i have never raised my voice at my children.

as soon as i do a little piece of me dies inside...i look into their eyes and i cringe when i see fear. i never want my children to fear me.

as soon as i raise my voice i wish i hadn't...but you can't undo the already done.

i wish i were the woman with the kind words and gentle touch at all times. the woman with the mild temperament and the gentle but firm tone at all times.

but i'm not.

i know it's about tone. i have taken several child psychology classes and have read dr. dobson's books on parenting...i know it's about the tone, not the volume of the voice.

but sometimes i still lose it. sometimes i can't stop it.

it's hard. it's hard when the other parent is thousands of miles away and everything goes wrong at the same time. like when the sink in the kitchen is over flowing, the toilet is stopped up because one of the darling dears put a bouncey ball from old navy in it, the phone is ringing, there is marker on big baby (adilyn's favorite doll) and i just dropped the canister with 5 pounds of fine grain sugar in it all over my kitchen floor that i had just mopped and swept.

oh did i scream. i stood in the middle of the living room feeling lost and hopeless and helpless and aggravated and just defeated and just let out a scream.

and it felt good. it felt so good.

and then i glance over and see my girls staring at me with wide eyes and silent mouths.

and then i felt bad. felt bad that i lost it. right there in the middle of my living room.

oh i scooped them up and told them i was having a bad day...told them i was sorry and that i loved them more than anything....

the lesson...my children learning that parents aren't perfect. that we make mistakes and we have bad days and we occasionally lose it...and it's ok...because it would be a bigger travesty for my children to grow up thinking that mommy is perfect..because i am not. i make mistakes. we all make mistakes and teaching my children that it is ok to make mistakes and to say "i'm sorry" is an important life lesson.

i know that i will yell again. and i know that when i do i will feel horrible and i will wish i hadn't done it.

but i will never. EVER. be too big of a person or too proud to get down and look my girls in their eyes and tell them that i am so sorry. and hug them and love on them.

happy monday friends

x's & o's
~r~

she titillates me

she has since birth....i believe she always will....

with her big heart, few words, beautiful eyes, caring soul.

she tickles me with the things she says.

right now she calls licking "icking", vitamins "mightymens", coke "coke-coke", tea "tea-tea", avery "avwey", oh i could go on...i could listen to my sweet girl for hours. the way she says things just slays me.

she is adamant, stubborn, easily heart-broken, sensitive, a girl of few words, a tad bit bossy, painfully shy.

she wears her heart on her sleeve and is not afraid to show you her emotions.

it takes her time to warm up to you but when she does, her heart she gives you forever.

she gives the biggest and best hugs that have turned my mood around on more than one occasion.

she is a snuggler and a cuddler...her favorite spot right now is curled up in a ball on my lap...and to be honest....i do not mind one bit.

she is doing well in school. loves her teacher. could do without the "noisy kids" (her words, not mine). is recognizing the majority of the alphabet and her numbers. loves spending time at part day pre-school and learning lots. she is smart this one, maybe too smart for her own good.

she is starting to toy with the idea of challenging me, showing a bit of her sassy side...i got her number on speed dial though.

this one. she thinks she's tough, hard core and all that. but the moment that she gets scared, hurt or just feels bad she comes running to me, her safe place to fall.

she is so particular in everything that she does. everything!

she is my little mimic. she "sews" when i sew, "talks on the phone" when i'm on the phone, does her "business" on the computer when i am dealing with my business on the computer. everything i do she does, she flatters me, she really does.

she takes "big baby" with her everywhere we go. more times than not "big baby" has to stay in the car as i am a little embarrassed by how she looks. (the girls decided they needed to pull out her eyelashes over one eye and write all over her with pen and try as i might i can't get it off).

she loves pretending. dancing. singing. and dress-up. (as long as she can do it undetected....this one will never yearn to be in the spotlight, she's more of a behind the scenes type of girl!)

she is trying to be more independent everyday, i'm not sure how i fell about that or if i am ready for that.

she is a delight.

she is my heart.

this kid and i....we have a special bond.

and i really, honestly don't' understand how there was life...real heart-breaking, gut wrenching, scared out of your wits, the feeling of responsibility and being held accountable, laugh until you pee your pants, gut wrenching life....before my girls came along .

*i want to thank the amazing Audrey Coley...she is an amazing photographer (she did all of the pictures above as well as so many more of the girls i have and is collaborating on a new project with me)...an amazing friend....inspirational....feeds my creative side...you are wonderful dear friend. Thank you so much for being in my life*

have a wonderful thursday dear friends

x's & o's
~r~

the knock

i never thought that i would be scared of a knock on the door...not just scared but petrified....

but i am...and last night i found out just how terror-stricken i would be from something as simple as a knock on the door...

i went to bed as usual last night...i was able to talk to colby on the phone for a bit....we chatted about our day, the girls, what we want to do when he gets home....just our usual conversation...he said good night...i told him good morning and then off i went to bed.....

i was awoke by a knock...let me rephrase that...i woke up to what sounded like someone beating my door down...

not a simple knock...not a knock of authority...but a knock that demanded that i rip myself from blissful slumber....

i somewhat staggered, somewhat threw myself out of my bed trying to get my barrings about me...trying to shake the sleep from my head and to rationalize what is playing out before me...

everything that happens next felt as though i was watching a movie being played in slow motion....i know in my head that it was only a few brief moments, but it felt like a lifetime

as i raced down the hall i made a mental note that both of the doors to my children's room were closed just as they were when i went to bed....

i hear the beating on the door again as i approach the top of the stairs....

at the top of the stairs there is a window....somehow, someway i had enough sense about me to peer out of the window to make sure that we would not be in eminent danger by me going down the stairs to try and figure out who is beating my door in....

all time stops at the sight before me as i am looking through the slats in the blinds....

there are a multitude of law enforcement vehicles, marked and unmarked....

my heart feels as though it stops for a moment...

my hands start to shake.....

my mind is going a million miles a minute playing through all of the scenarios as to why this is happening....and i keep going back to the only thing that i can logically think of....something has happened to my husband...why else would this scene be playing out before my eyes....

i want to wake up from this dream...i don't want this to be happening...

i don't cry...i think at this point i am too numb to cry...

now i am not as anxious to get down the stairs....

maybe if i don't answer the door they will go away and i won't be delivered news that will forever change my life, my girls life....our lives as we know them....

i finally scrounge up enough courage to make my way down the 14 stairs and put my hand on the lock above the door knob....

the door unlocks....

as soon as i open the door i am immediately bombarded with flashlights....

surely this is not how they give a death notification....scaring the bejeebeez's out of someone by the "knocking" on the door and then assaulting them with flashlights to the eyes...this can't be right....

i was asked to step outside...so here i am in my pajamas...hair looking a hot mess...standing outside with no shoes on (thank the Lord it wasn't cold out there and that i do sleep with clothing on) in front of about 6 military police officers....

i can not see their faces because i have been blinded by what seems to have been 100,000 watts of light coming from their flashlights....

i put my hand up to shield my eyes and seeing that the pajama clad chick poses no threat they put away their flashlights and ask me if everything is ok....

really...ummmm...no...you scared the living s*** out of me...no, i'm not ok...no everything is not alright....

after a brief conversation with these officers i learn that there was a 911 call in for a domestic dispute but there was no specific housing unit given, only a building number so they were questioning everyone in the building...

i felt like hugging each and everyone of those men who were looking at me...it wasn't about my husband...he was ok...he was safe...he was alive....

but for a moment in time i felt terror...fear...horror and so many more emotions that even now it is hard to wrap my head around them....

what if that knock had not been for a domestic dispute...what if something had happened to colby.....

so tonight...give your spouse an extra hug...hold them tight....act as though you do not want to let go...my heart goes out to anyone who has ever had "that" knock at their door...

x's & o's
~r~

fall

my favorite time of the year....

the colorful leaves....i love taking drives and soaking in all of the brilliant reds, oranges and browns....it is just breathtaking and i am always in awe at the beauty...

chilly nights....the kind where you sit outside with friends or loved ones and huddle together by a fire...or leave the windows cracked open and pile on the blankets in bed...create a cozy cocoon....

the bluest skies...when the summer haze clears out, the sky deepens and brightens to a limitless blue...i could get lost in a fall blue sky...

afternoon light....when the sun rides close to the horizon and the light slants in from the side, the trees blaze. i love that light, even though it means it will be night soon...

the smell of wood smoke...for some reason i find that smell very soothing....

hot apple cider...it's about the ONLY thing hot that i will drink....

halloween...that goes without saying as it is my favorite holiday of the entire year...i love absolutely everything about halloween....

sweats and hoodies and socks...the long fuzzy knee socks that are bright in color....fall clothes are so comfortable...and it's the perfect time for layers...no need for a coat quite yet...

pumpkin patches and hay rides....nothing like taking a hay ride through a pumpkin patch with your children...the giggles, the excitement the nip in the air...

breaking out the crockpot or the big soup pot and finding new recipes for hearty soups and stews....have them cook all day and the aromas in the house are just scrumptious....


i can't wait for fall...the cool breezes that make the fallen leaves dance....the cool temperatures...the pumpkin picking...the corn mazes...bon fires....the smells....oh i can't wait...can you?

happy monday all

x's & o's
~r~

soc-who?

a month ago avery asked if she could sign up to play soccer this year....adilyn's response...

"sock - who....who are you going to sock sissy?"

i hurriedly explained to her that it was a game and of course the next words out of her mouth were "i wanna sock her too mommy".....soooooo i signed both girls up for soccer....

avery has yet to start....her first practice is next week...adilyn started this week and OH MY GOODNESS....if you want/need a good laugh my suggestion to you is to watch a bunch of 3 and 4 year olds run around on the field for an hour.....it is roll on the ground funny...even avery didn't get bored watching!!

a little side note...i was very upset with myself for not checking the charge on my camera battery...i get to the field and after the first ten minutes the camera decided it needed a nap...boooooooooooooooo!!

so we start with some sit-ups....she wasn't too enthused about these...

can you see the enthusiasm in her face about the sit-ups...i don't blame her....that's how i look when my gym nazi christina told me to come up with a new ab routine....i think the face below is the exact face i gave her!!!

on to running in place....this seemed to be more her cup of tea...after all, she HAD to run up and down the isles of target with her cleats on to prove to me that they make her go "supa fast"

then we move onto every body's favorite....jumping jacks....or more like jump up and down...wave your hands in the air and then throw in a few claps for good measure....

warm-up is over...team stands in a circle and discuss what is next on the agenda........(please make a note that adilyn has the same problem her mamma does....poor girl is always having to hike up her pants....not sure why...we both have plenty of junk in our trunks but the pants just do not seem to stay where they are supposed to)

SNACK TIME....and they all come running....all 5 of them!!!! 4 little boys just as cute as can be and my baby girl....the boys on the team already love her...this one...i tell you she is going to have every male around her wrapped around her little finger....she is trouble i tell you!!

just look at those sweet sweet little shin guards...and the cleats...cutest things EVER....i mean come on....white and pink soccer socks....white and pink shin guards....black super little, super cute cleats with pink trim....the only thing that could possibly be better than this if they were trimmed in purple!!!!!!!!!!

boy was she ever ready for her break...and this was just after 15 minutes of warm-up..in her defense it was hot with no breeze...i am looking forward to the cooler days...oh how i am longing for those cooler days!!!

i tell you...that coach....a daddy of one of the little boys on the team and also a solider....he deserves some type of award for taking on coaching 3 and 4 year olds....i tell you...it's like herding a bunch of bouncing tiggers....they are all bouncing in different directions all at the same time...if it were me i would probably have a flask of something hidden in the cooler just to get through an hour practice....hysterical i tell you!!!

notice the pose....this was how she stood when she wasn't kicking the ball...when she wasn't kicking the ball...when she was running after the ball...when she was being the goalie....

i asked her after practice why she always had her hands on her head....her response...

"mommy...coach said i can't touch the ball...so i stuck my hands on my head to mind (remind) me not to touch it.....i don't want to get in trouble!" she is SO her mother's child!!!

and yes...those are matching pink bows she is wearing.....

everything is better when it's done with bows.....didn't you know that??!!?!?!

happy sunday friends

x's & o's
~r~